Batter Up!

Sometimes life throws you a rough pitch – and not just a plain ol’ curve ball, but one of those nasty ones that looks like it’s coming in fat and easy over the plate, then drops right out from under your bat and whoosh! it’s a strike. It’s not fun. Probably not all that “fair” either, but there it is.

But there’s no point in curling up in a ball. You do what you can. You take a step back and assess the damage. If you can, you learn something from it. You figure out how to hit that pitch the next time. And you step back up to the plate, because what else are you going to do?

You take the next pitch as it comes. And you do your damnedest to knock it out of the park.

In Which the Black Knight Triumphs Once More

There’s this idea in our society that intransigence is a virtue -that there’s something heroic about drawing a line in the sand and giving not one inch more. It very much reminds me of this scene:

It’s not an entirely crazy idea. There are times when we need to say “this far and no further”, when we need to take a stand for what’s right. But most of those who’re doing it now aren’t so much standing on principle as standing for ego. They want the conflict. They want to be heroes. They want that shiny, shiny halo. They’re more like the Black Knight guarding some pointless patch of forest than the Spartans standing fast at Thermopylae.

Thanks to Mairi For This One

Choose Life over the other stuff. Get out of your head. Live. Dress up. Eat. Touch people. Help out. Give up. Love people. Give your best away. There’s more. What’s the problem? Relax. You’re going to die. Throw a party. Eat off my plate. Sing to me. Meet me in the bedroom. Get a massage. Give one. Let your amazement out into the room. Pry open the box you hide your joy in. Be a poem.

- John P. Shanley

A Little Remembrance

I still miss her. Not like I used to – not in the “why can’t we be together way”, all heartbreak and angst. More like “here is someone who was a big part of my life for a while, and now she’s not, and it makes me sad”. I remember how much fun we had. I remember how close we were.

I miss her voice. I miss the way her mind works. I miss her enthusiasm for the cheesy and the ridiculous. I miss her absurdly contagious laugh.

Someday, when I’m ready, I’m going to have with someone else what I wanted to have with her. Patience and progress.

Climbing Solsbury Hill

Work hasn’t been going well. For the last year I’ve had the distinct pleasure of leading the lowest-performing team every month. I’ve done everything I know how to do to change that (within the confines of my employer’s culture and my boss’ direction), and it hasn’t made a difference.

A few weeks ago my boss and his boss met with me and made it clear that my job was on the line. I wasn’t happy, but I understand: as a supervisor, I’m responsible for my team. If I can’t get them to perform, I’m not the right person for the job. I could make a case for not having nearly enough support or training or feedback, but at the end of the day it’s still my job to get them to perform. And I don’t have the confidence any more that I can make that happen.

I also don’t have the passion for it. You can’t get your team to be passionate and committed if you aren’t.

I started thinking about the parts of my job I like. I like analyzing numbers and solving problems. I like figuring out what works and what doesn’t and finding ways to make it work. I like writing. I like data entry, oddly. I want a job where I can come in, do my work, and go home at a generally reasonable hour.

I don’t like babysitting, telling people the same thing over and over and over. I’m a little old school about my management approach sometimes: after I’ve shown you how to do it, and you’ve demonstrated you understand and can do it, it’s up to you to make it happen. And if you don’t I’m going to expect you to explain your choice not to do so. I believe in balancing the carrot and the stick, and these days management is more about the carrot.

I resigned this afternoon. The stress of waiting for the axe to fall and knowing that no matter how hard I worked it wasn’t going to change – and more importantly, that I didn’t particularly care – was just too much. My manager and my colleagues were very understanding. I apologized for leaving them in the lurch – it didn’t make sense to spend another two weeks struggling with this, given the handwriting on the wall. May as well let them bring in someone who can get the job done and lead the team to success. And I figured it’s better to resign than wait to be fired.

I’m looking for something where I’m only responsible for myself. Something I can do, go home, and have time and energy for my life. Maybe even a writing job. I’m a little anxious about all this. I’ve been supervising and managing for years now, and that’s most of my resume. But I just don’t enjoy it anymore. I’m just going through the motions, and I can’t be effective or happy like that.

Time to make a change. Time to be happy again.