Yes, America – THAT JUST HAPPENED

As a writer, I enjoy not only using language but also reshaping it.

“Businessing” is now a perfectly cromulent word at my office. I expect it to spread from there, like a virus or a fungus. You’re all welcome.

But I’ve been working on getting a certain phrase out there. I’ve been working on “hoop de doodle” for a couple of years now. My goal is to hear it in a major motion picture by the summer of 2014. (Joss Whedon, are you listening? Hawkeye needs a catch phrase for “Avengers 2″.)

Fun with Psychedelia and Apophenia

I like weird stuff. Non sequiturs, surreal humor, the supremely strange – all fun stuff for me.

Occasionally I like to play games with my own mind. For example, I once watched “The Matrix” from a perspective that assumed it was all a hallucination on Neo’s part – one he willfully clung to with tragic consequences. Apart from the occasional drink, I’ve no desire to alter my consciousness chemically: I may steer the car off the road for the hell of it, but I’m not about to take my hands off the wheel.

So I love this. 

Little-Known Facts About the Candidates

Newt Gingrich’s full name is DeFigville Newtrino Pavel Simeonovich Khalid LaToya Lufthansa Pepper Baby-Spice Ginger-Richmond III, Esquire.

Mitt Romney has a mole on his left shoulder blade that bears a striking resemblance to Ron Paul.

Rick Perry was the captain of his school’s champion “stay off the grass” team.

First Attempt

Kirk sat easily in the command chair. He’d been born to command a starship. He knew it, and he was eager for the day when he sat in this same chair on the bridge of a real starship. But this simulated command was a step on the path to that real one, so he was happy and proud to take it.

He reviewed the engineering report Rand had handed him.  Power levels normal, engines at 100% capacity, shields and weapons at 100%, a slight fluctuation in deflector output – he was going to have to talk to Ensign Scott about that – everything looked good. They were cruising near the Klingon Neutral Zone, but long-range sensors detected no other ships.

He let his mind wander a little. What a time he’d had last night! He’d expected a kitten but he’d caught a tigress. The way she -

SO true.

“Captain, I’m picking up a distress call,” Uhura reported. He spun the chair to face her. “The Kobayashi Maru says she’s struck a gravitic mine. They’re losing power and request assistance.”

“Helm, do we have Kobayashi Maru on sensors?” Kirk asked.

“She’s just come into range,” the helm officer confirmed. “She seems to be adrift, sir.”

“Set course to intercept, Mr. Gordon,” Kirk said. “Maximum warp. Ms. Uhura, tell Kobayashi Maru we are en route and will assist.”

A Story In Search of an Ending

Once upon a time, in the Land of Tales, there was a beautiful princess named Molesworth.

I know what you’re thinking: was she hot? Because with a name like Molesworth, she had better be beyond smokin’. She was. A full head of luscious strawberry-blonde curls, brilliant violet eyes, cheekbones that could slice cheese, dimples you could raise herds of unicorns in. And a figure that would not quit – not that anyone ever asked it to, obviously. When in your life have you ever heard anyone ask a woman to make her figure quit? Never and the day after that, is what I’m thinking. “Excuse me miss, but those curves have just got to STOP. Enough already, okay?”

She was everything princesses should be: smart, funny, daring, and kind. (Well, mostly. On occasion the smart part of her brain banded together with the funny part of her brain to make snarky remarks before the kind part of her brain could stop them. Those two are always trouble, princess or no.) Her father the king adored her. Her subjects the peasants looked forward to years of prosperity and justice under her rule. And various courtiers developed the bad habit of noticing not much about her above the neck, which did not bode well for their long-term job security.